William Wallace, Alex Salmond and friends


Hi all.

Apologies for the delay in writing. It’s been a while since I felt inclined to sit at the computer and write again as I’ve been filling my time with other productive things (I went home and played the FIFA 15 demo for 15 hours straight). As hopefully all of you are aware, as of the time you probably reading this, Scotland and the UK is going through the single most important political issue with regards to internal sovereignty of the last few centuries. As a man with Scottish heritage (of a sort), I wanted to impart my own unique (i.e. completely uninformed, probably wrong) take on the issue.

When I first heard that the referendum was going to take place, I, along with the entire rest of the British powers that be it seems, wrote it off as a pointless endeavour to shut that snivelling fat scrot of a man that is Alex Salmond up once and for all. I mean, seriously, the man makes the hairs on my sporran stand on end (eh, Scottish reference) with his single-minded, dogged, deluded determination to be William Wallace sans hair, face paint, war cry and general awesomeness (though hopefully without the anti-Semitism). However, with the latest Ipsos Mori and ICM polls suggesting that the current situation is too close to call, we are scrotum-clenchingly close to what I perceive to be a disastrous decimation of Great Britain – I for one am pretty proud of Great Britain, warts and all (read: warts = Wales), so this has really rankled with me.

To be fair, it’s only been in recent weeks that the “Yes/Aye/FOOKIN AYE SON” movement has really started to pick up the pace and has started to become more and more spoken about on social media, with those in favour of independence fervently taking to Twitter, Facebook et al to preach to the non-believers just how strong and proud Scotland would be if it went it alone (though the whole #indyref thing confused me as I thought it was referencing Indiana Jones films (I honestly wish this was a bad joke but that’s how my bedraggled mind works now. It’s like having a clock that has a wonky minute-hand that powers through 12-6 due to gravity in about 10 minutes then takes a fucking age on the upswing. Anyone else have a clock like this once? No? Fuck.)). This explosion of discussion and direct campaigning seems like something of a master-stroke, as the No campaign really didn’t seem to predict the sheer inundation of support for independence creeping up on them to be delivered, like a swift claymore to the face of Edward the Longshanks, in a pretty devastating fashion over these last couple of months. However, my argument here is that despite all of the recent support, it seems to be rallying more against the sheer apathy of British politics than in support of any real economic or social arguments in favour of an independent Scotland.

Now, to give you some background, my grandmother was Scottish through and through.

Pictured: a traditional Scottish woman

She was part of the Kinloch clan, which has its own tartan, was born in Scotland and was a proper lass o’ thae thistle. I’m extremely proud of my heritage and one day (lol) I will find out more about my ancestry to see how far back it goes. So, while I may only be a quarter Scottish, the idea of Scotland leaving the United Kingdom is, to me, tragic. From my own pride in being Scottish alone, I can of course sympathise with those who have that whole “they can take our lives, but they’ll never take our FREEDOMMMMM” thing but at the same time I do unfortunately agree with David Cameron in that no-one should ever be ashamed to be British and Scottish. As much as I love the romanticism of the stereotypical Scottish man, resplendent in full kilt, can of Tenants in hand, wandering through the peat and heather with his highland terrier muttering about how much he hates those “fuckin Eng-lish precks” and rejoicing in independence, sadly there seems to be little point except for that romanticism for romanticism’s sake. Joining the EU is not a certainty (though admittedly highly likely), the amount of Scottish jobs based in England and English jobs based in Scotland that would have to reshuffle and restructure would be an administrative and fiscal nightmare, the North Sea oil is running out slowly but surely and any pre-existing relationships and agreements with customers made with Britain would need to be completely re-drawn, plus the foreign investors in British markets have already made their position pretty clear with serious concerns being publicly raised by industry leaders and share values falling from Scottish and British companies alike.

So, why is there such resentment against us fucking English that is driving people to go for independence, despite it being essentially like wandering shitfaced into a dark misty forest without a flashlight (incidentally, I did this once and passed out in a convent. Great night.)? My theory lies with one man. One lanky streak of piss of a man.

For fuck’s sake Andy.

I actually really like Andy Murray. He’s a grafter who’s worked exceptionally hard in a sport littered with absolute geniuses to end years of British hurt and win Wimbledon, wasn’t afraid to break down in tears on TV and his girlfriend is also bare peng. Plus he’s British!

No he’s not. He’s Scottish.

This is the heart of the problem. Same with the Olympics. As soon as Scotland presents anything amazing, it’s British. If it’s a big ginger gal with a thistle-bush for armpit hair and a bagpipe full of superbrew, it’s Scottish. As much as it pains me to say it, Scotland can’t offer as much as England can on the international stage in terms of extra-curricular activities (rugby shite, football shite for example) because as soon as they produce anything of worth it immediately becomes “British”, and given the centralisation of government in England the political clout is also going to fall very much in favour of Great Britain as a whole, with little regard for Scotland as a separate entity. This norm has become relatively deep-set, and as such would be a real struggle for an independent Scotland.

So. What’s the solution? I suggest we give them Andy Murray, and they give us the union. Tennis for togetherness.

Plus Alex Salmond can go fuck himself.

Lots of love, and to anyone up there, please, please, please vote NAE.


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